I am haunted by the ghost of the love I once knew. I sit here wondering what I did wrong, and why I lost it. Every moment is like walking on a field of broken glass. Every piece is like a memory of what once was, stabbing into me both because I see what I lost in the past and what I don't have in the present--a double-edged sword. The sweetest memories have become so painful. I can hold up each piece and look at the perfection of the center, but the jagged edges will always cut me. I stumble towards the splintering frame of the mirror that used to be whole. Maybe I can put it together again, maybe my sticky blood will hold the pieces in place. Maybe then I will see our reflection again, smiling the way we used to. When will this aching emptiness become something new? I fear that it will just eat away at everything until I become a numb husk of a person. My heart has bled itself dry on the edges of glittering glass.

I am so empty. It’s like everything inside me leaked out with the tears that ran down my face, dripped onto my lap, and evaporated into the air. My essence is now in some unknown portion of the world, with some foreign creature breathing it in and out, using my poor self to maintain its own life. I’m not sure how I will ever get it back. I suppose it doesn’t matter that much anymore. All of the meaning I had left. The laughter, the smiles, that special feeling I had—gone, dissipated into the morning air. My memory has been cleared, just like that, just like pushing a giant “Delete” key in my heart. I think, though, that I accidentally deleted some component that I needed—I don’t think I’m supposed to feel absolutely empty. Maybe I can find it in the recycling bin.

I'm probably overemotional because I'm so tired, but I just can't stop the tears from creeping up. Who are you? You're not the man I knew before. You used to care, you to be considerate, used to apologize when you were an ass. Now nothing is your fault and you can't be bothered to think about us, much less to do something about our problems. Maybe work stresses you out. Maybe your parents do, too. So what. You've been living with it for 22 years--not like much has changed. These constants have suddenly just become your angry excuses. You hide behind them, you tell me my accusations hurt and that I am not considering your feelings. Maybe they hurt because they're true. Maybe if you'd stop being so self-righteous and angry you could see that. And maybe I should find someone who'll treat me right. You haven't done that in a long time, and I can't see when you will start again. You take me for granted. One of these days you'll turn around and I'll be gone. Then what?

I don't know if I've ever felt so alone, so very vulnerable. I'm like a child, yearning for you to notice and love me while I remain inside my own silent prison. I keep thinking it will turn out alright, like I have hoped so many times before, but every time my heart just falls further. One time soon, it will hit the floor and shatter irreparably. What would it mean to you? I've spent all of this time thinking about how I was so strong...about how I had everything figured out already. Now I'm in the midst of some shrieking cacophony, thoughts and words bouncing from everywhere and echoing in my head. I feel so very lost and alone. Who's to say what's right anymore?

I have never felt so alone. So bitterly alone and unwanted. Loneliness is eating a hole in me.

You came today. Walked right up and got my hopes up so far. And then smashed them again, just like that. Just like that, you picked me up and dropped me even harder, like rubbing pebbles into already opened wounds. I don't understand anymore. Not one bit. If you still want me around, why do you expect me to wait here? If you don't want to see me anymore, why can't you just let me go?

what is god but is?
why is it okay to find god and forget about life?
god is life. god isn't a bible. god isn't saying you believe.
god is living. god is love. god is opening.
god didn't want you to chase after him and leave behind everyone else.
everyone else is god too. god is life.
i don't understand how you can say you follow god
when you aren't alive
when you don't feel the air
or see the miracle in every detail of life
only just this once, for just this time, we are here to see and feel and reverberate
to live
and you'll spend it all looking for the next life
and never really see this one